We begin last January when Sarah twisted Jullie's arm up her back. "You will f****** close the school bitch, Dan isn't in work, my fellow academic chums aren't in work, and its against health and safety rules to have that gruesome twosome Lid and Jen clearing the drive of snow, alright angel?" Not only had she done this, but she conspired with IT Magician (not technician) Rob Smith at hacking the website and closing the school for almost two weeks.
February brought valentines day, and a suicidal lurch in the chirpy woman's place. She was devastated she didn't make it on my valentines day card list. The novelty of valentines day had worn of long ago with Sarah, after Dan wrote in the bottom of her card "Please keep this card for many years to come on valentines day". It was at this point she knew the romance was dead, and started dropping hints to desirable students. I had to tell her in the end, emails Sarah are too much! She vowed that each February from now on, she would just make a mood board, of her favourite things, to fill the empty place in her heart.
March was another down month. The highlight was National Reading Day, were Sarah took another day off to read a good book. She chose to spend her book token on Katie Price, Standing Out: a heart wrenchingtale of a woman and her breasts. Sarah thinks of herself as a bit of a superstar, she revealed to close staff friends "I brought the glamour to glamour modelling".
April showers ruined Sarah's hair, and she spent the month looking like a pregnant lesbian (please see picture attached).
May and Sarah was feeling more herself again. She realised what a terrible teacher she had been, and in her guilt printed off hundreds of revision booklets which she wrote herself! "You should be writing at least 3 timed essays a week" She was playing the guilt card on us, trying to pin the inevitable failures that would happen in the next months on our toes.
June and she waved tatty bye bye to her form for a few weeks (and lets face it, she didn't expect to see a good handful again). She had spent hours of her time selecting appropriate vocational courses for disappointed students in August and a single tear trickled down her face whilst waving what she thought was a final 'keep your nose clean' to Sophie Drew's. She hadn't applied herself all year bless her, she was always at the bloody Brooke with the chocolate thief Whoresfeild.
July is the month that she left Blue Coat for a whole 7 weeks and what did she do with her time, nice holiday with Dan? Caught up with essential work? Organised her office? No she went on a jolly to Bavaria with the lovely Miss Bayley and other less savoury staff.
August: No data was ever recovered from August as Sarah had forgotten most of it. She simply remembers the amount of D's E's and U's for her paper in RS that summer.
September and she was feeling refreshed. Now after speaking the fashion Guru's Mary Brock and Myself AKA Tranny (Mary at a Col Par) and Susanna (DPF's alter ego) she had ascertained a whole new accessories wardrobe. Over £800 spent on Tatty Divine. However when we started a tally she was onto us, and the phone box cable and other less successful skimpy numbers returned. (May I add I haven't seen Sarah's bright yellow top this year, please dig it out for our first day back, I will need a laugh).
October next and Sarah was doing live recordings for Teachers TV and choosing a suspicious 4 members of her form to go to Auschwitz! (GET OVER IT YOU JEALOUS, SHIT, SARAH FAN FAILURES!!!!!!!!!!!). Sarah had now taken a new turn in her career, oh the glamour of TV production. Please take the time to watch her incredibly interesting lesson:
November and it was my birthday, and what hype. Sarah was working as my fellow judge and press officer, as we whittled down potential candidates to be invited to my party. We got the final casting about right, but had to loose some people at boot camp, especially raunchy Sophie Drews - the venue had male chefs serving us, and we didn't want a scene! November was also the month where we returned to Sarah's favourite place on earth AUSCHWITZ! Sounds sick I know, be she really did flourish there, flirting with women from the Labour Party!
December then came around and it was time for Saz's birthday. Can you believe she is only 40? After many celebrations, cake eating contests (the tension between Ellie and Soph was unbearable at times) and Miranda video clips she thanked us all by not sending xmas cards. What a hero. And December was also a time for thriller! Now the thrillers were an odd bunch, Sarah's version of the Kirkman House crew - the NE Crew. Jamison, the Irish hag also joined in, Sarah's last remaining chum, but when Clair started taking the spot light of Saz with her school girl looks and... interesting accent, she was sent to the back of stage, whilst be threatened if she carried on, she would be operating the curtain!
So all in all a busy year for her.
Happy New Year!
Much Love
Editor at Large
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