This weeks Sarah Hall Quotation:

Mary: Oh, yeah, I hate it when someone throws something like a ball in your face and it shoots up                    your nose.

Sarah Hall: I hate being hit with balls in the face

Joanne: Do you get hit a lot miss?

Sarah Hall: Oh Jo, I've had many balls in my face! .....

                ...interpret that how you like. 

 

 

 

 

Sexual and Reproductive Health... A Coincidence? I think not.

An encounter with an old friend.

As many of you are aware, I, your beloved Editor-in-chief recently attended an interview at Manchester University in seek of a place among the very corridors the one and only once paced. 


I arrived late to my interview after getting caught up in the rain with a friend of mine. As I rudely intruded on the applicants pre-interview talk there were seats only at the front of the room, dragging my self embarrassed to the front I sat down trying to ignore the dirty looks I was getting from the room and the man doing the talk. 


You can imagine my shame a couple of hours later when it was the very same man asking me to step into his office. Much to my surprise the reception I got couldn't have been more perfect - to an extent. After a brief chat about how he paid particular  my second name, what with the entire educated population of the UK assuming I'm Cornish, the professor stated he was shocked to see I was actually from Oldham. Not just Oldham, that I attend The Blue Coat School Sixth Form. We finally got seated and, I quote: "Yes, I did see that, I couldn't help but notice your reference was written by an S Hall... Might that be a Sarah Hall?" 


I should have expected it, I was after all at her University and by this point I was well aware that I was speaking to none other than Adrian Curtis, Senior Lecturer in Hebrew bible studies, if I was going to meet anyone that knew her. It would be him, it is common knowledge that she is a Doctor of Hebrew and that she LOVES Israel. Yet I was still shocked.


He spoke very highly of her, if he wasn't a well respected professor, you'd have thought something had been going on there.. (what with her reputation) but no, he was very polite about her. In fact.. almost didn't stop talking about her. It was unusual, I never thought she would ever help me get into university - based on her teaching standards, but here she was, wrapped up in Adrian Curtis' memory. After this point, it was hard to really separate my life from the fact that she is after all my religious studies teacher (if you hadn't guessed by this point, I want to do theology - this has nothing to do with SRH, it is based on a firm belief in God, I  am not one for her atheistic ways and they do not motivate me... haha.) Every time he asked me a  question: "What are you studying at the moment in New Testament?" "You wrote you'd like to look at the original Greek an Hebrew, whys that?" and "Why did you chose to study Theology at A Level?" It seemed, as hard as I tried.. everything linked back to her. It was like she was haunting the interview. 


Never the less, I don't think I've ever been so grateful to know the woman. No, not when I got an A at GCSE, nor when I scraped through my As level on a C, not those times she helped me revise in my spare time for my resit (which, we are yet to see the results for) not even the day she sat idly by on the bus whilst Jenny Harrison got attacked or when Sophie and Ellie nearly got run over. Nor when she first suggested the Thriller performance of Christmas 2010, dancing around NE24 and not even, when I seek food after a long day and her fruit bowl is always waiting in the office. (That is, an actual fruit bowl - we must remember that this is LMT writing, not DPF.. his fruit bowl would be VERY different...) 


As we left the interview, we laughed and joked about the antics of the Atheist we both know and love, the kind man politely walked me back to the interview room even though he had no one left to interview. He was quick to mention Sarah's name again once we got in the room, informing all of how we shared a common interest in SRH. It was at this point when a girl who was a fellow applicant said "I guess its not what you know, its who you know" directly at me. And, though I know she was just jealous of my good looks and charming wit.. I can't help but think there might have been a bit of truth in it. He left requesting that I "tell Sarah to get in contact" as "it would be nice to hear from her." 


Yes. I am happy to say I got in on a conditional offer of BBB. Curious thing is a good friend of mine was applying for the very same department; different course, but only marginally and his offer is to get higher grades, at ABB. 


I guess its not what you know, its who you know. 


It seems even at University I won't be able to escape from mystery that is Sarah Hall. 


L x

Tuesday 18th January 2010

As we settled in to a new year, the dinner time gatherings in the RS department have once again become ritual for many of Miss Halls loyal disciples. Today, the conversation turned to 'Big Fat Gyspy Weddings', with Clair confessing to her 'wedding' folder on her home computer (a folder that has her whole wedding planned down to a t- wedding cake, location, guests-she stated that Katie Atkin was to be flower girl-urgh!, buffet, etc) Miss Hall was NOT impressed to say the least.

In typical Sarah Hall style, she insisted on her views that she 'will never get married' because '1 in 3 marriages end in divorce'. As you can see, Sarah reaches the highest possible standards for a Religious Studies teacher at the prestigious Blue Coat Church Of England school. We're not sure if Dan The Man agrees with Hall's controversial views on marriage vows, however we're sure he has no choice but to nod his head in agreement as Sarah rants over their 10 course dinner at the Michelin starred restaurant.

The topic of retirement also cropped up in conversation today. Katie Atkin and Colt May were publically stating their desires to retire as soon as possible as Miss Hall looked on with encouragement displayed all over her face. She warned us all to stay in education for as long as possible (this was once her dream but Dan didn't want to date a student any longer, she also felt that with her PHD-although the authenticy of this was also doubted today due to Colts claim that Sarah bought it off the internet- there was no point in gaining any more qualifications, most of the teachers at Blue Coat seem to not even have done their SAT's). Of course now Miss Hall has apparently joined Twitter, as mentioned earlier in the blog, she is worried about future employers becoming suspicious of her teaching skills due to certain Tweets. Due to this, she has contacted The Daily Mail and they are offering DPF and a friend a trip around the Labour Party head office in London if the impersonator of Miss Hall is named and shamed by the 1st February.

The congregations in the RS rooms have also lead to many students addressing Sarahs eating habits, or lack of them. Last week, she was spotted eating 4 leafs of lettuce, 2 crackers, a pot of humous and a small yoghurt. Hardly a fitting lunch for a 40 year old working woman, eh? Neverless, the spotters of this lunch thought that it may be a one off and that Sarah must usually eat healthy meals but no, just today she was seen eating a 'firebomb salad' or something that sounded like that. It certainly resembled a bomb disaster, and not a very pleasant one. Sarah is decaying before out very eyes. Her eyes are heavy, her face is whiter than usual (even when she's not stood next to pictures of a 13-16 year old Katie Atkin), her body is drooping and her fake posh accent is starting to deteriorate, Miss Hall is fast becoming a prime example for a 'contingent being'. So, we are now asking you to donate any spare food you have, tins of beans, prime cuts of beef, tomatoes, anything you have needs to be fed to Sarah Hall soon before she winds up fainting on parents evening and dashes DPF's dreams of his mum and Sarah becoming eternal best friends.

On that note, I must go. I have food hampers to sort out for Sarah (truth be told, they've been robbed from that African Christmas Box appeal- she didn't agree with anyway). I shall love you and leave you, until next time we meet again!

News Update

Sarah has been ill today - well it is a Q Monday!

But I have been notified of some exciting news!

Sarah has joined twitter, and is being just as venomous on there as she is in her Year 12 Philosophy Class.

Follow her by clicking http://twitter.com/#!/SRH1977

£100 reward for the person who can tell us who is behind this creations, we assume its not SRH herself!

A Look Back on SRH's 2010

In the words of Angie Garside "Well ladies and gents, it's been a busy year". Sarah has not stopped, apart from the several days she has taken off school for sickness (how can this woman not be on sickness monitoring with Mrs. R?). Join me, editor at large for Sarah Hall publications, for a whistle stop tour of the year, Sarah's highs (and not just on the drugs) and her lows. Sarah Hall, this is your year!

We begin last January when Sarah twisted Jullie's arm up her back. "You will f****** close the school bitch, Dan isn't in work, my fellow academic chums aren't in work, and its against health and safety rules to have that gruesome twosome Lid and Jen clearing the drive of snow, alright angel?" Not only had she done this, but she conspired with IT Magician (not technician) Rob Smith at hacking the website and closing the school for almost two weeks.

February brought valentines day, and a suicidal lurch in the chirpy woman's place. She was devastated she didn't make it on my valentines day card list. The novelty of valentines day had worn of long ago with Sarah, after Dan wrote in the bottom of her card "Please keep this card for many years to come on valentines day". It was at this point she knew the romance was dead, and started dropping hints to desirable students. I had to tell her in the end, emails Sarah are too much! She vowed that each February from now on, she would just make a mood board, of her favourite things, to fill the empty place in her heart.

March was another down month. The highlight was National Reading Day, were Sarah took another day off to read a good book. She chose to spend her book token on Katie Price, Standing Out: a heart wrenchingtale of a woman and her breasts. Sarah thinks of herself as a bit of a superstar, she revealed to close staff friends "I brought the glamour to glamour modelling".

April showers ruined Sarah's hair, and she spent the month looking like a pregnant lesbian (please see picture attached).

May and Sarah was feeling more herself again. She realised what a terrible teacher she had been, and in her guilt printed off hundreds of revision booklets which she wrote herself! "You should be writing at least 3 timed essays a week" She was playing the guilt card on us, trying to pin the inevitable failures that would happen in the next months on our toes.

June and she waved tatty bye bye to her form for a few weeks (and lets face it, she didn't expect to see a good handful again). She had spent hours of her time selecting appropriate vocational courses for disappointed students in August and a single tear trickled down her face whilst waving what she thought was a final 'keep your nose clean' to Sophie Drew's. She hadn't applied herself all year bless her, she was always at the bloody Brooke with the chocolate thief Whoresfeild.

July is the month that she left Blue Coat for a whole 7 weeks and what did she do with her time, nice holiday with Dan? Caught up with essential work? Organised her office? No she went on a jolly to Bavaria with the lovely Miss Bayley and other less savoury staff.

August: No data was ever recovered from August as Sarah had forgotten most of it. She simply remembers the amount of D's E's and U's for her paper in RS that summer.

September and she was feeling refreshed. Now after speaking the fashion Guru's Mary Brock and Myself AKA Tranny (Mary at a Col Par) and Susanna (DPF's alter ego) she had ascertained a whole new accessories wardrobe. Over £800 spent on Tatty Divine. However when we started a tally she was onto us, and the phone box cable and other less successful skimpy numbers returned. (May I add I haven't seen Sarah's bright yellow top this year, please dig it out for our first day back, I will need a laugh).

October next and Sarah was doing live recordings for Teachers TV and choosing a suspicious 4 members of her form to go to Auschwitz! (GET OVER IT YOU JEALOUS, SHIT, SARAH FAN FAILURES!!!!!!!!!!!). Sarah had now taken a new turn in her career, oh the glamour of TV production. Please take the time to watch her incredibly interesting lesson:

http://www.teachers.tv/videos/timeline

November and it was my birthday, and what hype. Sarah was working as my fellow judge and press officer, as we whittled down potential candidates to be invited to my party. We got the final casting about right, but had to loose some people at boot camp, especially raunchy Sophie Drews - the venue had male chefs serving us, and we didn't want a scene! November was also the month where we returned to Sarah's favourite place on earth AUSCHWITZ! Sounds sick I know, be she really did flourish there, flirting with women from the Labour Party!

December then came around and it was time for Saz's birthday. Can you believe she is only 40? After many celebrations, cake eating contests (the tension between Ellie and Soph was unbearable at times) and Miranda video clips she thanked us all by not sending xmas cards. What a hero. And December was also a time for thriller! Now the thrillers were an odd bunch, Sarah's version of the Kirkman House crew - the NE Crew. Jamison, the Irish hag also joined in, Sarah's last remaining chum, but when Clair started taking the spot light of Saz with her school girl looks and... interesting accent, she was sent to the back of stage, whilst be threatened if she carried on, she would be operating the curtain!

So all in all a busy year for her.

Happy New Year!

Much Love

Editor at Large

Mayhem on the 83

Many of you will have heard by now about the disastrous Theology trip to the John Rylands Library in Manchester.

As the Theology class (and DPF) met on a cold friday near the rocks for Sarah Hall there was an anxious chill in the air, the atmosphere seemed to thicken with terror the closer Miss Hall got; we should have known then what was to come. Many students of SRH's and blog readers will know by now about the incident in a Didsbury tesco car park that, to put it lightly "shook Sarah up" and since that incident, the fear of going out in public alone is almost un-bearable. Never mind taking a group of teenagers on public transport to Manchester. (Note, this was not ordinary public transport, not like your casual 350 to Scouthead, or your 184 to Uppermill, no, this was a 83 to Manchester, taking a direct rout through Failsworth...) When the class hesitantly boarded the bus, it was clear things were going wrong, Sarah had left her money at school; coincidently and a reluctant Sophie Drews ended up paying for nearly all of the trip, there was a slight delay what with the wait for a certain editor to return from Cunninghams in search for a lighter, and on boarding the bus, Jenny Harrison and Lydia bravely (or should I say, stupidly) took seats at the back of the bus. Top deck.

Now, in putting all of these factors together, what was to come was almost inevitable. With SRH squashing up to Ellie Whoresfield (seen below) the shaky bus journey ventured forth. DPF looking out of place if anything on a bus with the rotten public of Oldham, the brick layers of society was first to judge those around us. No, it was not safe for anyone. We managed to handle the first half of the Journey safely, when suddenly "DON'T YOU CALL ME A SLAPPER" (with my eyes on my phone at this point, I could only assume it was Sophie Drews talking) but no, a "Slapper" and an "emo" were getting in to a fight at the back of the bus.

From what we can understand, from our representatives Jenny and Lydia, who were as previously mentioned, sat at the back of the but, there was a phone call about afflecks, a slip of the word emo and bright pink lipstick that were the start to this. Within minutes, a newspaper (the much loved metro; however may it be noted that DPF would not be associated with the love towards it) was thrown bouncing of the emo's head onto an old man. The man, standing up bellowed curses and anger at the slapper, whom was very apologetic, though the crippled man wouldn't hear any of it.

Sarah Hall at this point was almost in tears, with inappropriate comments coming from behind off video blogger Amy Kinsman, Miss Hall was trying to hold her breath. NO, there was not one moment where studying of the good semaritan took over, her righteous soul was staying locked up in that withered body of hers. Ensuring us that her staying put was for our own safety, SRH remained seated, quiet, and trembling with post traumatic flash backs to the dreaded day in Didsbury, I can only imagine that the words running through her head to calm herself down were "booty bounce, booty bounce, swim together swim jump." 

As the fight carried on behind, it had began to get physical, a heroic black man (not unlike Martin Luther King, and very unlike Kombe) stood up, offering his advice to the emo that she goes downstairs. Why the bus driver didn't stop and attempt to peace make, I cannot fathom, but the emo, with blood all over her face slowly made her way down stairs "IM NO FUCKING SLAPPER, YOU EMO, THAT'S RIGHT RUN AWAY!" we could only sit and await Picadilly Gardens.

The bus was quiet from then on, with few words passing Sarah's chapped lips. In fact, the only moment to brake the silence was a misjudgement of flag on DPF's behalf, in seeing a car with a black flag out of the window, he assumed it could only be royalty. Only, it was actually a funeral procession. Sarah Hall laughed nervously, staring at her 50 year old twin at the front of the bus.

The bus came to the end of its route, for some reason, the "slapper" made a bizzare comment about people getting off the bus, and so, under SRH's strict orders we were to stay seated until she had left the bus, on leaving the bus, the slapper and her friend twatted Jenny Harrison on the back of the head, this was however an honest mistake, and the slapper seemed almost friendly in apologizing. Unaware of the emo being downstairs, we were forced to wait through another horrific vocal argument coming from the deck below, eventually, we made our way off the bus.

Whilst all discussing nervously about the horrific journey, the adrenalin pumped Sarah Hall could only leave us with one comment "well, I didn't risk assess that, its a good job it was none of you or I'd had have to have done something" knowing that she wouldn't have done a thing, we sniggered out way's to the library, with only one other incident in the near death of Sophie Drews and Ellie Whoresfield.

And on that note, I received an anonymous email earlier this week containing a photo of Whoresfield and her cronies. More evidence perhaps?

Lots of love and Christmas cheer, L x

P.S: Be sure to check out Sarah in "The Thrillers" performance in the BC talent show.